7 Reasons You Should Never Eat Ranch Dressing

Reasons You Should Never Eat Ranch Dressing

As a Midwest native, I grew up surrounded by people who not only loved ranch dressing, but who were also passionate about their obsession. There's an entire restaurant dedicated to the damn dressing in my hometown. I'll just come right out and say it—I do not get it. Call me crazy, but why on EARTH would anyone ruin a perfectly tasty slice of pizza with goopy salad dressing? To that regard, salad is supposed to be something you eat to feel at least semi-healthy, right? This will probably get me shunned from St. Louis, Missouri and the areas surrounding, but here's why you should seriously stop with the ranch obsession:

1. One tablespoon of ranch has more calories (and fat) than a chocolate chip cookie.

Reasons You Should Never Eat Ranch Dressing

Don't act surprised, dear reader. Buttermilk ranch? Hello?! There are 63.2 calories and 6.7 grams total fat in just one tablespoon. You could eat a chocolate chip cookie for 54.2 calories and 2.4 grams of total fat. Let's be real here, ranch-fiends—have you ever used just one tablespoon of the stuff? Doubtful.

2. Do you even know what it's made of?!

Reasons You Should Never Eat Ranch Dressing

Well for starters, buttermilk (which is great if you like your milk fermented)! To keep your beloved packaged ranch from expiring too quickly, today's name brand ranch dressings also include ingredients such as MSG, and a bunch of other things you or I cannot pronounce! So wholesome.

3. The flavor is overpowering.

The tangy, garlicky taste of ranch overshadows every food it meets. Chicken becomes a ranch-covered blob. Lettuce goes soggy beneath a blanket of thick yuck. You're ruining what the food set out to taste like when you cover it in ranch.

4. There are so many better condiments.

Reasons You Should Never Eat Ranch Dressing

Because we're really being candid here, ranch is not even a condiment. It's a dressing. It is meant for SALAD. You have so many other less aggressive options for all your dipping needs: ketchup, for one. There's honey mustard, barbecue sauce, and even chipotle aioli if you wanna get fancy.

5. It doesn't smell very nice.

In fact, it smells disgusting! As soon as someone pours ranch on their plate, everyone in their vicinity gets a whiff. No one asks for that!

6. It's inconsistent.

Based on what I've heard from pals who bow down at the altar at the Church of Ranch, consistency is an issue. Some ranch is ah-maaaaz-ing while some ranch just sucks. On that note, you never know if it's gonna be thick and goopy (gag), or drippy and watery.

7. Your pizza doesn't even need it.

Reasons You Should Never Eat Ranch Dressing

I'm from Ranch Over Everything, USA, but even I know that a truly good slice of pizza doesn't need anything on it, especially not this thick nonsense. Ranch enthusiasts: I challenge you to try your next pizza as it's meant to be eaten—AS IT IS. It'll be great! Recently, a friend trying NYC pizza for the first time said, "OMIGOD IT DOESN'T EVEN NEED RANCH!"