Breakfast is absolutely my favorite meal—ever. It’s the first thing that I put in my belly in the morning, and I know it’ll keep me going hours later. The smell of coffee brewing, the crunch of cereal with almond milk, or the sizzling of eggs and bacon is probably the most enticing sound I can think of. And then the taste! Oh, don’t get me started. Let me tell you, growing up with a great breakfast every morning has spoiled me. If I don’t have a breakfast made for champions, I’m not going anywhere. Being hangry has actually been scientifically proven, and I totally get that way if I don’t have breakfast.
Now please don’t send me nasty emails after I say this, but after being accustomed to eating meals like oatmeal, pancakes, and bagels with locks, frozen waffles aren’t worth crap and can’t even be in the same category. You should most definitely throw them out—like right now. I’ll wait.
Don’t get me wrong. I like waffles...but the real thing. Am I looking to eat cardboard in the morning? No thanks. That’s one meal I’ll actually skip.
The ingredients are pure sh*t.
Sure, Stranger Things has increased the popularity of Eggos, thanks to Eleven’s obsession with the waffles, according to Nielsen. However, I can’t see the appeal when I know what’s in them. Many brands—save the healthier ones that have been cropping up—contain ingredients like canola and soybean oil, as well as soy lecithin. Those are often linked to GMOs. Plus, there’s just so much sugar.
Speaking of sugar...
It makes me really hyper. And I have a pretty high-pitched voice already, so you can imagine how that goes. I’m practically speaking at levels only dogs can hear—at a Gilmore Girls word-per-minute rate. The problem with eating frozen waffles is this: Even if it’s a healthy version of the homestyle kind, there will always be sugar in it. And that’s before the added sugar that comes with maple syrup...because who’s actually going to have waffles plain? Amirite?My sugar high comes quickly, and then so does my sluggishness.
Frozen waffles are not filling—and unfulfilling.
Unless you're getting a Clinton Hall-style stack, they just don't do the trick. Frozen waffles may seem alluring with their golden brown color and semi-fluffiness, but they promise something they can't deliver: satiety. Waffles pretend to fill you up. They trick you into thinking that you just had a great meal—until your stomach begins to growl not even an hour later. Every time I’ve had waffles, I’m left wondering why I didn’t have Greek yogurt with blueberries and some honey instead because I’m still hungry. I’m also heading for the vending machine at work, and that’s never a good idea. I feel gipped. Don’t promise me something unless you’re really going to do it, okay? Am I taking this a little too seriously?
They last forever...and not in a good way.
This one freaks me out. Because frozen waffles are, well, frozen, the only way for them to last for months on end is with preservatives. TBHQ is an additive put in processed foods like frozen waffles in order to keep the color and flavor. And if something is made to last for such a long time, I just wonder—with literally every bite—what those preservatives are doing in my body. I start to have second thoughts, and I’m now worrying about it all. It’s just not worth it!
What are they even?!
People will stop at nothing when it comes to waffles. I know they're supposed to be a breakfast food, but when you put chicken on top or turn waffles grilled cheeses out of them, you've done waffles a disservice. Some may say that this is an advancement from when frozen waffles were first invented in the 1950s, but maybe this is an even more heinous crime than TBHQ. (Jk, jk, that one’s pretty bad.) The weird combinations of strawberries and whipped cream, waffle BLTs and pizza have me wondering WHAT ARE YOU, WAFFLES? Are you breakfast? Are you lunch? Are you just dessert and everyone wants to have you for breakfast? I mean, if you’re a grilled cheese, be true to yourself! If you’re BLT, don’t lower your standards by surrounding yourself with frozen waffles. Yes, I’m talking to food again, but I think it just needs a pep talk. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life, and I don’t need frozen waffles either.