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The 11 Best Demons to Summon

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Even now, during the spookiest time of the year, people still want to act like summoning demons is a bad thing. I mean, sure, there’s a chance that one of these dukes of the underworld might roll up on you, cast you into darkness and misery, and then subject you to his unending, hellish thrall. But you also might get hit by a bus walking the street, am I right? Plus: remember Solomon? Biblical King of Israel, son of David and wisest dude in the history of always? That dude summoned demons like it was going out of style, and even used them to build his temple. Summoning up demons can’t be all that bad then, right?

Still though, if you’re gonna go digging around in the Goetia — the infamous and anonymous grimoire that purports to contain the 72 demons commanded by Solomon — you should probably be pretty choosey about which demons you end up summoning. To ensure you don’t end up chewing the fat with an “author of bloodshed and murder,” follow my advice and stick to just these 11 demons.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Buné

When you talk about summoning demons, what do you think most people are going to want? That’s right: dinero, scratch, filthy lucre, dolla dolla bill comma y’all. No matter what you call it, Buné — Bimé if you’re nasty — is the just the demon to get it for you. But be forewarned: when he shows up, he’s going to look like a dragon. Also, he’s going to be rolling deep — with himself — because he has three heads. One is a dog, one’s a gryphon, and one is just a man, but only one of them has a “high and comely voice.” We’ll let you figure out which of the three it is — the answer might surprise you! Buné can also make you wise and eloquent, but seriously, get your money first.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Camio

A lot of demons in the Goetia will answer questions, tell you about the past and teach you a thing or two about “Liberal Sciences,” whatever the balls those are. Climate change research, I guess? That’s all fine and good, but the most interesting demons are the ones that can do something special and unique for you. Take Camio for instance. Not only does he show up looking like a bird (which is rad), but he can also give you “the Understanding of all Birds, Lowing of Bullocks, Barking of Dogs and other Creatures; and also of the Voice of the Waters.” I’m fully aware that dogs are probably far worse conversationalists than I can even imagine, but still: who isn’t dying to know what those bullocks are always lowing about?

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Paimon

My man Paimon isn’t just any demon — the dude’s a demon king. A demon king that shows up in style, riding on a camel with a host of spirits clearing the way with trumpets and cymbals. It should come as no real surprise then, that if you summon him, you can get some seriously dope stuff. Not only can he teach you arts and sciences and “secret things,” but he can also hook you up with a rad familiar of some kind, and even “bindeth or maketh any man subject unto the Magician if he so desire it.” What this basically means is slaves. Paimon can make people your slaves. Granted, that’s more than a little morally questionable, but if you’re summoning demons, I figure you’ve already made a very specific lifestyle choice.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Zepar

Zepar is another one of these very specific demons. While Paimon shows up with a full-on parade and can teach you pretty much anything, Zepar is much more humble, cloaked in red and wearing soldier’s armor. He’s not just a fighter though, he’s also a lover, as his main thing is making women fall in love with men. That’s not a totally unusual talent amongst the 72 demons of the Goetia, but Zepar takes things a step further. Not only will he make a woman fall in love with a man, but he also makes them barren, which is great because we’re in the midst of a major population crisis anyway, and who do you think you are to make it even worse on account of your slavishness to primitive, lizard brain, biological impulses?

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Andromalius

You ever had something stolen? You wanted it back, right? But beyond just wanting it back, you also wanted to get the guy who stole it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did. Summon up the big homey Andromalius and he can make that all happen for you, calling back all your stolen goods from whatever disreputable pawn shop they’re currently sitting in, as well as the guy who swiped them in the first place. He’s not just restricted to thieves though, as he can root out all kinds of nasty business and “underhand dealing.” But he doesn’t just catch the jerks — no siree, Bob — he’ll also punish them for you. Oh! And he can find treasure too! Neat!

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Forneus

The demon Marquis Forneus is all about chit-chat. That doesn’t sound all that important or fun or useful at first, but pump the brakes and think for a minute. Forneus can make you totally rad at rhetoric, which is basically just the art of talking to people and getting them to think and do what you want. Plus, Forneus can also teach you “Tongues,” which I’m just going to go ahead and decide means “languages” in this context. If you’ve got any kind of plans to be an international playperson, you’re going to need to speak the languages of the countries through which you plan on gallivanting. But the best part of Forneus? When you summon him, you get to take Spanish lessons from a giant sea-monster.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Foras

Foras is a big strong dude and a president. So, basically he’s Schwarzenegger in Demolition Man continuity. In other words: awesome. Plus, when you summon this presumably democratically elected demonic official, he can help you out with all sorts of kinda-useful stuff, like learning “the Virtues of all Herbs and Precious Stones.” The real reason to summon Foras, however, is because he can make you invisible. Just in the interest of full disclosure, some sources say Foras can make you invincible instead of invisible, but either way: pretty killer. Foras gets up in Andromalius’ lane a little bit, as he can also find treasures and lost stuff, but any demonic summoner worth their ritual dagger knows the value of some planned redundancies.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Zagan

All this demon summoning? All the chanting, all the drawing of circles, all the wielding of lamens? There’s no two ways about it: you’re going to work up a hellacious thirst, my fine-feathered friend. So, why not summon up a dude who can provide you with a delicious beverage? Get at Zagan — both a King and a President, mind you — who will show up initially as a bull with gryphon’s wings. My understanding of gryphons is such that gryphon wings are just eagle wings, but that’s not really the point. The point is that he can turn wine into water, blood into wine and water into wine, which, by way of the transitive property also means that he can turn blood into water. No word on whether he can turn anything into blood, but honestly, why would you want to turn water or wine into blood anyway? It’s grim, man.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Gäap

Gäap has the umlaut on his name, so he’s already got that kinda outlaw biker, heavy metal vibe, which really, really works for us here at Geek.com. Just look at him — it looks like he belongs on the cover of a Motörhead album! What’s not to like? Gäap is really good for stealing a familiar from another magician (it doesn’t come up a lot these days, but when it does, you’ll be glad you know Gäap). But Gäap’s real value comes from his ability to speedily carry people from “one Kingdom to another, at the Will and Pleasure of the Exorcist.” If you’re serious about getting this international playperson thing up and running, getting carried around by a big demon monster is way better than counting frequent flyer miles.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Ose

Ose is another president, which starts to make me somewhat dubious of the demon world’s political structure. But that’s neither here nor there, because Ose is a demon whose skills you are definitely going to want to avail yourself of. At first, he’s going to be a leopard, but just deal with it for a bit, because once he transforms into a human, you can get him to change someone else into whatever it is that you want. Turn your best friend into Lemmy from Motörhead? Sure. Turn your obnoxious neighbor into a loaf of bread? Why not! But the best part is that the person you have changed “will not think any other thing than that he is in verity that Creature or Thing he is changed into.” That’s right: your pal will think that they are Lemmy. And your obnoxious neighbor? He won’t just be a loaf of bread, he’ll think he’s a loaf of bread. And do you know what I know about loaves of bread? They never try to throw ragers on Tuesday nights.

The 11 Best Demons to Summon

Vepar

As much as I hate to admit it, not every interpersonal problem can be solved by turning a guy into a loaf of bread. Sometimes you need something a little harsher. Sometimes you need Vepar. Like all the demons in the Goetia, Vepar is a dude. You didn’t honestly expect the demon world to make any kind of real solid moves toward gender parity, did you? But here’s the thing: even though Vepar is a dude, he shows up as a mermaid, which is kind of a real progressive move for a guy of his age if you really think about it. But sticking a thumbed claw in the eye of the patriarchy isn’t the only great thing about Vepar. He can also kill people with putrefying wounds and sores, or even have worms breed inside of them! Corner office here you come!

Unless you’ve got something really weirdly specific going on, these are probably the best demons for you to summon. That said, I think I’d advise against it. I guess. Probably? Hell, what does it even matter. You know what? If you’re gonna do it, just make sure you Periscope the whole thing. Deal? Deal.