I want to take my dad and son out for the summer, it's been too long since I've traveled.
So in the past two days, I started to do the strategy, booking flights and hotels.
I found that I don't know when I started to form an unconscious habit: as long as the old and the young go out, everywhere I go, within the limits of my ability, all choose the highest match.
The air ticket is business class, and the hotel is in the top three of the reputation list.
It's not that I'm so rich, I'm just willing to spend money on them.
What if I were to go out on my own? Economy class + B&B is OK.
I've been doing this for several years, so smoothly that I don't need to react, it comes naturally.
But the first time I seriously thought about it was at the beginning of this year.
Before the Spring Festival, at the beginning of winter break, I took my dad and son to Hangzhou.
Because my dad is over 60 years old, he has not seen West Lake.
When setting the hotel, consider the location advantage, directly set the West Lake State Hotel. (At that time also deliberately took a small video of the entrance)
I have been to Hangzhou countless times, but this is the first time I stayed here.
After settling in and taking Dad for a walk around the garden, he lamented how nice the hotel was.
Small bridges and flowing water, pavilions and pavilions, one step is beautiful.
Because of the low season and the impact of the epidemic, there are very few tourists and the price of a room is a little over a thousand.
I've lived in Hangzhou so many times, why didn't I consider staying here before?
That night I meditated on this question for a while.
If I were to come by myself this time, I would, in all probability, find a six or seven hundred yuan specialty B&B nearby to stay on the line.
In fact, compared to this state hotel, which is known as "the first garden of West Lake", the room rate is only three to four hundred yuan higher.
The three or four hundred dollars was by no means an unbearable amount, but it seemed to be a rift in my psyche -
I am alone, there is no need to stay so expensive.
This has been an internal pattern for me for a long time. For Top level stuff, I rarely use it directly on myself.
In fact, I didn't rationally compare and filter, so I instinctively put it in the category of "stay next time I bring my family/kids".
As if, it has nothing to do with me.
After thinking about this, I am not sad at all, but more relieved.
People who have studied a little psychology know that this pattern, called "do not deserve".
It's the subconscious belief that you don't deserve the best, that you don't deserve to have and enjoy the best.
Such people, when faced with the material world, are often afraid to choose and accept the best of those.
Because out of sight, there is always a voice reminding: you don't deserve it.
I'm not worthy?
After more than a decade of doing psychological learning and self-growth, I started over with this question and asked myself again.
I found myself looking at the matter, differently.
It would be too superficial to define a person's personality only from the perspective of a so-called theory and concept.
If I have to say that I don't deserve it, then I don't deserve it.
That's the way I grew up.
9 years old, elementary school, relatives from out of town brought two boxes of cookies, I did not want to eat, and waited until the spring tour to open.
Thirteen years old, junior high school, southern classmates gave me two unseen cinnamon, I put in my school bag to bring home to my father.
19 years old, college, a classmate gave a small sample of Korean cosmetics, I left until the summer to take back home to send friends.
22 years old, work, save 800 from the salary to my mother to buy a wool sweater, I go to the foreign trade store to find 50 acrylic of myself.
And then later, became a family, became a mother, the largest of the strawberries, the sweetest tip of the watermelon, will always be left to the children.
The reason why I am writing this without heartache is because a number of years of self-growth, I have long since I reconciled with my "unworthy".
It just needs to be seen, it doesn't need to be forcibly changed.
Over the years, I have also maximized my efforts to make up for the lack of early years and improve the self-critical treatment.
As for those who still appear from time to time "do not deserve", let it be.
Maybe it's bad in theory, but it's good for me.
It was a pattern of "self-inhibition" for me. It allowed me to keep my desires unfulfilled and made me feel somehow familiar and secure.
And people like me will only have more down-to-earth motivation after familiarity and security.
Just like I have worked so hard for so many years or have not been able to buy a Hermes.
On the one hand, it's true that I don't deserve it, and taking six figures to buy a bag is not in line with my self-positioning.
On the other hand, this "unfulfillment" makes me feel real and deep, and allows me to avoid some confusion and illusion.
And then, at some point, "unworthy" really became "unnecessary".
Because to the age of looking at the bag is just a bag. I sometimes baffled at the LV and GUCCI that I had bought before: I was nervous at first, spend money to buy these things to do?
My birthday last month. Husband and son together asked me what I wanted to gift.
Nothing wanted, I said.
My husband said to my son, "Look, mommy buys things for both of us without blinking an eye. When she has to buy something for herself, she often doesn't spare it."
Yes, to this day I am still a person who puts my family first. Giving to my family is a great source of happiness for me.
As for some material "unworthiness" and "unworthiness", I do not intend to change.
Because these payments, I do not have the "for whom" aggression and bitterness.
I have struck a balance with myself between being worthy and unworthy.
Some time ago I watched a movie "The Last Holiday". The plot is not much new, but quite interesting.
Georgia, who works as a kitchenware saleswoman at the mall, is an ordinary black woman.
She loves cooking food, but because she is so fat, she can only eat low-calorie meals.
She had a crush on her male colleague but never dared to confess her love.
She has collected all her life dreams in a booklet called possibility.
In an accident, she was misdiagnosed with a brain tumor and only had three more weeks to live.
She learned the hard way and took out all the insurance money in her account and liquidated all the bonds her mother had left her. She planned to spend all the money and live a good life in the only three weeks left.
She flew first class to the Czech Republic, chartered a helicopter to Karlovy Vary, and stayed in a $4,000-a-night presidential suite at the world-renowned Pupu Hotel.
Everyone identified her as the hidden and mysterious noblewoman and speculated about her background and origins.
She just does everything she wants to do.
Buy the most wanted fancy dress, order the most wanted big meal, meet the most admired god chef, go skiing, go bungee jumping, dislike the snobbish waiter ......
Her spontaneity, straightforwardness and sincerity gave her an endless charm that attracted the "upper class elite" at the table next to her, among them Georgia's big boss at work.
Georgia's identity was eventually revealed.
And her big boss is planning to jump from the upper floor of the Pupu Hotel because he is broke.
Georgia convinced him at the last minute.
If I had watched this film before, I probably would have felt that it was asking you to "have fun in time" and not to wait until "the person is gone, the money is not spent".
Don't worry, we middle-aged women won't fall for it. Because more tragic than "people are gone, the money is still there", is "people are still there, the money is gone".
But I will now watch this kind of drama again and will know that it is not meant to be such a superficial truth.
The death line is fake, but the courage is real.
Be brave to face life and face yourself.
Fully accept all of your own shortcomings and imperfections, to love, to give, to share, to express.
Live authentically and fervently.
After watching the movie, I pulled out a photo I took at the Pupu Hotel in the film when I visited the Czech Republic in 2016.
I don't have Hermes because I used the money I spent to buy Hermes to achieve a more important wish.
To match or not to match, I said it myself.